Monday, July 28, 2008

How Great are the Fucking Rockies???

Well, that's kind of joke if you read my earlier post about how bad they suck.

Yes, they're playing better. Sure they're 6 games out in a crappy division. Can they close the gap in the next 2 months? If they can't, then they really, truly are the losers they have shown themselves to be.

If the Rockies get within a game or two of whatever team leads the division (right now it's the in Douche Bags), I think they can over take and sneak into the playoffs. Will they reproduce the magic of last season? Don't count on that. But if they play well, and play well consistently down the stretch, well why the hell not?

Drop some games to the lowly Pirates starting tonight and it certainly doesn't look good for them. We'll revisit in a week.

Christmas in July? How about Rocktober in September?


Sunday, July 27, 2008

A Season Long Hangover Awaits You....

Tequila tastes like shit. Margaritas are good. If one doses tequila with enough sugar and limeade it can be masked to the point where one likes it enough to demand it. Mixed down properly, Tequila makes a person feel good and it doesn‘t leave a sour taste in one’s mouth.

Marcus Camby and Eduardo Najera were, to your Denver Nuggets, what sugar and limeade are to Tequila. It wasn’t as hard to swallow the bitterness of Carmelo Anthony or to keep from gagging on Allen Iverson with sweet ingredients in the mix. With the news of recent layoffs, however, fans are choking like Denver in the first round of the Playoffs.

The Nuggets brass, it seems, has an aversion to the things that make this team palatable. After Dan Issell‘s spill, Najera brought the bario back into the arena while offering bite from the bench. Camby strolled into the role of the new Daddy Bruce and licked the defensive player of the Year Award just two season ago as Nuggets Captain. They, along with Kiki Vanderweigh, Earl Boykins, Andre Miller, Jeff Bzdelic and Jon Barry have all been dismissed. Kenyon Martin, however, remains.

I love a shot of super-star in my NBA experience, but I prefer it watered down.


Monday, July 14, 2008

How bad do the Rockies fucking suck?

Look. I didn't expect them to go back to the World Series, but seriously, they are so bad it makes it really hard to take.

I followed the Rockies when they were (are) bad. And it was incredible to watch them go on such an amazing run to reach the Series. So seeing them revert back to sucking a hairy dick is that much harder to watch.

They should have at least been in contention to win their division this year and they have no shot. In a division that blows to begin with!

I'd call for Clint Hurdle's arrogant, well coiffed head, but really, who would want to manage this team? Might as well pay him that huge bonus they gave him and let him finish grinding the team into the ground.

The Rockies will show some signs of life like they've done all season long, but the next time they do (definitely not at Shea stadium), it will be far too late.

Kiss Holliday goodbye. No reason to keep him when you can get top dollar for him. He's leaving anyway when his deal's up. And maybe Tulowitzki should start hanging out with Carmelo Anthony. Two young divas who aren't living up to their potential should definitely become friends.

See you in another 15 years when the Rox go on another magical run only to disappoint...not in the Series, that wasn't disappointing at all. But season after season when bad management meets bad ownership for a colossal stream of urine running down the team's collective leg.


Friday, July 11, 2008

Praise for Mile High Sports Magazine by Colin

My wife bought me a subscription to Mile High sports Magazine shortly after its inception. My favorite feature is "Things we like / Things we don't like about sports".

In honor of that feature I give you:

Good Stuff. Things we like about MHSM.

Dinger Bashing: the constant barrage of Barney barbs is a reason enough to pick up every issue.

James Merilatt: seems like a good sort of fellah, doesn't he?

Report Card: nice, concise and I almost always agree.

We deserve it: Denver is a great sports town that has earned a slick mag like this one.

Picture perfect: MHSM offers stunning photography in the tradition of Sports Illustrated. Never miss the picture spread near the back. It always rocks.

Norm's Notes: Sarcastic, pessimistic. He is someone a fan can love hating.

Avalanche coverage: It's nice to have something in common with my wife even if it is an appreciation for Liles' steely eyes.

Interviews: Thorough and thoughtful ones on one make MHSM enlightening.

Guy Stuff: Scantily clad girls aside, its' nice to mix a dose of entertainment with sports.

Bad Stuff. Things we don't like about MHSM

False assumptions: the predicted premature demise of the '07 Rockies was only the tip of the ice burg (right, Avs fans?).

Weak Excuses: In the internet age a magazine can't make up news regardless of deadline. There are no safe assumptions in sports.

Snow Hussies: I'll look at the web if I want boobies. Hooters girls and local massage therapists in short shorts need not apply.

Digs (sponsored by American Furniture Warehouse): Are you kidding me? Do you really think we care where Ed McCaffrey lives or what Drew Soicher's leather couch looks like? No. We don't.

Adventure guy: I just want to slap that undersized Broncos helmet right off his goofy head. It's the worst kind of filler.

Girl in your corner: See snow hussies (above). The "You can take me seriously while you ogle my flat tummy" pose gets old.

Gary Radz, DDS: a jackass dentist in a turtleneck posing with six sluts in every issue! Great. See snow hussies (above).

Preps Quiz: If you answered more than 20% correct you are a potential creepy child molester. Who knows this stuff?

(K)BPI: The only things lamer than the cheesiest rock station in the West are the co-promotions it does with MHSM.


Tuesday, December 12, 2006


The Avs won a good game last night against the Carolina Hurricanes. The power play was rocking for the first time in awhile and Peter Budaj was big in net. So that begs the question: Is Budaj the answer in goal because Theodore is so inconsistent? It all depends on what Budaj does next. It seems like whenever he has a good game, they give him the next start and he looks, well, Theodore-esque. If Budaj can put a couple of wins together, and show he can do it, The Avs would do well to stay with him.

If you thought the Broncos could win in San Diego this past week then you are very optimistic my friend. I really didn't think they had a chance based on how poorly they've played lately and how well the Chargers have been playing.

I figured Cutler would show some improvement and he certainly did in the second half. The big question is if he can get it together to win the remaining the games on their schedule. But with that said, is he really the problem? The defense looks battered and bruised. When 35 year old John Lynch is supposed to track down Antonio Gates, I think you've got problems.

The Broncos are fucked but they aren't out of the playoffs yet. Obviously they aren't going deep even if they make it, but that's about as far as they would have gotten with Plummer. It's a bit depressing, but as long as Cutler keeps getting better, that's the light at the end of the tunnel.

A prediction: the Chargers choke in the playoffs. Tomlinson is a bad motherfucker. I'll give you that. He's great to watch and good guy too. But if a team figures out how to stop him, he's literally all the Chargers have and their season comes to a grinding halt. It's coming soon, mark my words.

And besides, do you really want to see Marty Shittenheimer win a Super Bowl? I know your answer already.


Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Line up to suck Joe Williams' Cock

Ok, so the Cutler era got off like a fart escaping from an old man’s ass this past Sunday. I guess I’m not surprised, but I did think he would have been a little better than that. If not for that horrible interception he threw for the TD, the outcome might have been a little different.

I will admit that I think the Broncos would have won that game if Plummer was at QB. But I won’t admit that starting Cutler was a mistake.

All the cocksuckers on the planet came out to grovel at the FAN’s Joe Williams’ feet yesterday on the radio and say “you were right!” Yeah, he was right. And what a bold prediction by Joe. He said it was a mistake and Cutler would flail in his first appearance. Well, that kind of reckless prognosticating sure is easy when you’ve got more than a 75% of it coming true. Good work Carnac.

But what was worse was the beat offs who called in to tell him he had been right. Really? I don’t even think Bronco Hater Joe would have taken too much credit for saying Cutler was going to lay a turd on the field like he did. When the Iraq War started I said, “this is going to end badly,” and now as it looks like it will end badly, I can’t really take credit for it because we all knew it would.

So anyone rushing off to sports talk radio to bemoan the choice of Cutler should just move out of Colorado and not watch sports anymore. They are taking up oxygen and probably seats at the stadium. Having only an AM radio in my work truck, I have to listen to you assholes go on and on about this and it makes me want to claw YOUR eyes out. Please give me the chance. Please.

And again I say the choice of Cutler wasn’t a mistake. Yes, they could have won that game with Plummer but as we all know, Plummer isn’t getting the Broncos out of the first round of the playoffs. No way. He might drive them there, but like a confused teenage girl, he’ll lose the keys and they’ll all take the bus home from whatever city they had to travel to. Cutler needs the snaps because he’d be taking over anyway. Better now than @ San Diego and @ Indy for the playoffs (wishful thinking?).

The problem with losing this game on Sunday was that they may not make the playoffs at all now. If they do great; it will as far as Plummer would have gotten them. And now Cutler gets experience that he’ll use for next year. But they have to win pretty much all of the rest of their games and I don’t know if they can do that.

What putting in a new QB showed against the Seahawks was that it definitely wasn’t all Jake’s fault. They’ve got some serious problems with the offensive line and either the receivers can’t get open or there’s something stinky with the game plan. The running game isn’t horrible but they stick with it way too long and it gets them in trouble. Plummer couldn’t over come this and I’m pretty sure Cutler won’t either.

If they win this Sunday in San Diego (a bit of a long shot…ha) they might be back on track. But lose two of the remaining games and the season is over.

While callers were stroking Joe Williams’ cock on the radio, a guy called in said what I’ve been saying here: Plummer would get them to a playoff game and that’s it. The hosts were asking “what’s wrong with that?” What’s wrong with that? Well, for one, it should be Super Bowl or bust with this team always. Settling for one playoff game that they will lose with a lame duck QB is not my idea of excellence. It’s like telling your kid he can have his Xmas presents but no batteries. Sitting and looking at the lifeless toys would be far worse than not seeing them at all. With Cutler you’re going to get the present and you might just get the batteries too. And if not, at least he’s sparing us the inevitable soul crushing defeat that Plummer had in store for us….yet again. And at this point, that’s the best Xmas present I could hope for.


Sunday, November 26, 2006

Jake Plummer: AMF (adios mother fucker)

Last night I was about to declare that I thought the Broncos would continue to go with Jake Plummer for at least one more game. Well, I’m glad I didn’t say that because I would have been wrong. As of today, it will be announced that the Broncos will be going with Jay Cutler as the starting QB for next Sunday’s game with Seattle.

It’s probably about fucking time.

I liked Plummer and supported him but it became pretty clear that he wasn’t getting it done. He’d throw an amazing ball one series and lob a frozen turkey into the hands of the opposition on the next. That kind of inconsistency should land you on the bench.

If you worked in a restaurant and your top cook kept screwing up the meals he was putting out, you’d have to have a word with him. You’d put him on notice and if he kept screwing up, he’d have to either do another less important job (like prep cook) or find work elsewhere (working at Bennagins or its NFL equivalent, the Detroit Lions). When your focal point of your business is literally or figuratively dropping the ball, you have to stop the bleeding.

Going with a rookie right now is a little shaky, but if you saw Cutler in the preseason, he looked great. I don’t expect him to light it up ala some of the better QB’s in the league, but if he’s even slightly better than Plummer, they’ll be alright.

Plummer supporters will point to this season’s 7-4 record, but if they could look at those games without their Plummer colored sunglasses, they would see that the defense won most of those, not Plummer. Now the defense is getting worn down and the wins aren’t coming. They defense, once a mighty unit that didn’t allow a TD in so many games I can’t remember, is now letting people in the end zone like it was Hooters on “free fondle” night. Plummer can’t stay on the field, so 35 year old John Lynch has to run around like he’s 25….he’s not.

That defense was so hot in the beginning because they were healthy and rested. Now, they’re beat up and having to save the day on a weekly basis. You just can’t sustain that. Plummer can’t stay out there and keep a drive going because teams know he can’t throw the ball so they stuff the run make him beat them. He can’t, at least not on a consistent basis. And as we all know, it’s about consistency. As far as Plummer being consistent, just like Lynch being 25, he's not.

It’s hard to tell if Cutler is going to save this season which looks like it could go south real damn quick. On paper, and from what we’ve seen in the preseason, he seems like he could be pretty good. Most “experts” said he was better than Vince Young and Matt Lienart, but those two have been playing; Cutler has not. If he comes out blazing and throwing the ball well, it will help the stagnant running game and consequently, make the Plummer era in Denver a distant, mediocre memory.

Thanks for everything Jake, but I think it’s time we all moved on.